Follow-Up

At the present time it seems prudent to leave this blog as is. It's enough for this ole gal to keep up with my original blog Grandma's Musings. There I have posted on our life in Tennessee, miscellaneous notes on the Spiritual Journey, and real life stories of the gentle and always Amazing Grace and Mercy of God.

Since the blog is really closed now, the best way to read the full story is to begin with the first post on June 7, 2007, and read up the line since, as you know, the post at the top is the last post and it will not make as much sense to read down the page to June 7th.

The years covered in the story begin with my youth, marriage, divorce, re-marriage, move to Iowa and our latest move to Tennessee where we now live close to family. Follow our new life on Grandma's Musings.  The Conversion to Christ occurred during the Divorce period when I was not distracted trying to survive in a toxic relationship.  I tried to be objective in writing the story, pulling no punches, so it's straight forward 'from the shoulder'. 

I had started a follow-up blog "On-Going Conversion", but have discontinued it due to time constraints and other pressing issues here at home. I had described our life as being "in the slow lane", but it's become more like a parking lot this year, with infirmaties of Age. We are still striving for answers on health and wellness until God is ready to call us Home.

God Bless you. My blogging friends are so important to me. Thanks for sharing in my life.
Love,
Maryellen

Fast Forward

When we moved from California to Iowa, we settled five miles outside my Home Town on a parcel of land left to me by my Grandfather. It was a great joy for me to be 'home again', attending the Catholic church where I was baptized, confirmed and married. My husband and I had always wanted to live in the Country and it was our intention to remain there for the remainder of our lives. (We were nearly 50 when we arrived)

Our children were scattered - 3 in California, 1 in Oregon, 1 in New Mexico, and 1 in Tennessee. As we lived on and on and on, the children became concerned about us as we were aging. We had no one to care for us if we became unable to care for ourselves. In answer to their prayers, God set a plan in motion that resulted in our move to Tennessee along with a daughter who designated herself 'caretaker'. A son had settled here many years prior. So after 27 years of Country living, at the age of 76, we began a new life in a small town in a small neighborhood filled with young families, with the daughter living only 8 minutes away. The son lived about 45 easy minutes from us.

Within the year, more family arrived to live in Tennessee not far from us. First it was a single Grandson. A few months later, we learned that God had been working overtime setting up a marvelous family network in which another daughter's family was taking up residence in the area. In less than a year from our move, we were encompassed by eleven loving family members.

Our new Parish was full of Southern Hospitality - warm and welcoming. I joined the choir and hubby joined the Bible Study and soon we had a host of new friends.

Every life has it's hills and valleys, but they seem to intensify as we age. We've experienced a good share of trials and tribulations, but God's Mercy and Grace seem even more abundant. (Or maybe we are just more aware of His tremendous blessings because each year we draw into more intimate relationship with Him.)

In upcoming posts I hope to share with you the ups and downs as well as the lessons learned from them, along with some of the on-going conversions experienced.

New Joys

The more we learned about the Catholic Church, the more we appreciated her rich History and the treasure of our Apostolic Tradition. We began to learn what the early Church Fathers believed and taught in the first and second century. Lo and behold they believed and taught by oral Tradition the same Doctrines the Church believes today. As the Fathers wrote against Heresies, these doctrines were more fully developed. What a valiant battle the early Church fought through their writings against these heretics.

We only had a smattering of information about the Church Fathers in the beginning of our Catholic reading. Since that time, we acquired a computer, discovered the internet and the vast world of information available online. If you haven't discovered the New Advent site and if you are searching for the truth of the Christian Faith, check this out.

It's interesting to note that as arguments against certain doctrines arose among the heretics, it became necessary for the Church to more fully develop those doctrines, so they could be more clearly understood. Until they were challenged by dissenters, the Church had no need to clarify the Truths that all true believer's held. They were not inventing new doctrines (as some claim) but declaring in a formal statement what was already held to be True.

As we learned and studied the Oral Tradition along with the written Tradition, the scriptures came alive to us in a new way. Our former belief in Sola Scriptura melted away as we read with new eyes the words of St. Paul: "....hold fast the traditions which you have been taught, whether by word or our epistle". ( 2Thess. 2:15).

We know that the oral tradition is what Jesus himself taught his Disciples and sent them out to teach. It had to be taught orally since not many in that day knew how to read. Education was only available to those who could afford it. Also, there were no Bibles in the first and second centuries. The Canonicity of the present Scriptures was held by the fourth century, but was not defined until 1546 at the Council of Trent. You can check this out for yourself here under the heading: III. Origin

Another Leg of the Journey

We were both enjoying our new life in the Catholic prayer group, made new friends and adopted the Religious life as our form of pleasure.

Still, the heresies were deeply rooted, and in our Catholic involvements there was nothing to dispel these errors. We continued to drink from the Protestant wells.

But God moved us out of that situation when we moved from California to a small town in Iowa, where denominational lines were clearly drawn - no more fuzzy boundaries there. It would have been a scandal to continue being spiritual gypsies there. It felt dry and tasteless though; no access to Christian Television. There was a Christian radio station, and we did find a Charismatic Prayer Group in a town nearby. We also were introduced to the Cursillo movement, and the Lord continued to bless us with steady growth in the Spirit.

Finally, God made his move to bring us out of the deception of the heresies. In the mail one day, we received a complimentary copy of "The Rock" magazine, a Catholic apologetic publication. The articles were great; informative, inspiring and enlightening. For the first time we began to understand why we Catholics believe the way we do. When we were children in the Catholic school, we were taught to believe because the Church 'said so'. That's fine for a child, but it didn't prepare us to stand as adults against the Evangelicals' convincing references to scripture. Neither of us understood the oral tradition of the church or the authority of the Magisterium. We were easy prey.

We were happy to find this new tool for understanding our Faith. We subscribed to the magazine in the early 1990's and continue to enjoy it to this day. It launched us on another leg of the Journey.

Re-Marriage (this story begins on the June 7th post)

My husband has always been Catholic, but he had no objection to attending Services with me in a little non-denominational pentecostal community that I had joined. I had been a Spiritual gypsy that first year, tasting many flavors of Christianity, but later I joined this little church because they had a dynamic youth group and I was hoping our 15 year- old daughter & 12 year-old son could benefit from that. So we all attended there on Sunday mornings. However, on Saturday evenings we attended the Catholic church because hubby preferred the Mass.

We were living in Southern California where the culture is anything but conservative. It didn't seem eccentric to drink from many Spiritual wells. We attended other churches at the recommendation of friends and our Catholic friends thought nothing of it and did the same. With Mass on Saturday evening, we felt free to roam in other pastures on Sunday. We never tired of the delicious banquets of Praise and Worship.

We were invited to participate in a Life in the Spirit Seminar at the Catholic church and soon we were mixing with the Catholic charismatics. I was surprised to learn that there were Catholics who loved the Lord as much as I did. We joined their Prayer Group. We attended Charismatic conferences and we both grew in the Faith. I left the Pentecostal group and reconciled with the Catholic Church.

It was good that we were both Catholics, but we didn't know our Faith very well and we had forgotten much of what we learned in our youth. We knew what we believed but didn't know why. As a result, we both bought into the Protestant doctrine of Sola Scriptura. The Bible was our point of reference. We had no Bible studies in our church, and though Scripture was often quoted in the Charismatic movement, we learned the Bible from Christian radio and Televangelists. The important aspect of the Tradition of the Fathers was never discussed and that was unfortunate because we remained in error without realizing it. The Doctrine of the Real Presence, on the other hand, was a no-brainer. That's very clear in the Scriptures and we loved the Eucharist.

So in a sense, although both Catholic, we had a mixed marriage, because we were quite mixed up. But God is patient; He had us where He wanted us; We were in the Church and we were growing.

A New Life

Those of you who have experienced the infilling of God's Holy Spirit understand full well the incredible Joy of experiencing the Love of God.

I was astounded at the 180 degree turn in my life. I was truly a new creation in Christ and the past was behind me. Suddenly I had a voracious appetite for reading the Bible and all things Spiritual. I found a Christian Radio station that aired music and programs that filled me with inspiration.

The Lord filled my life with all new friends since I had nothing in common with my former friends. I joined several Bible studies: one during work lunch break once a week: one on Tuesday evenings, and another on Saturday nights.

After six months in the school of Christ, He began to speak to me about Forgiving my ex-husband. I really had trouble with that until someone explained to me that I didn't have to 'feel' the forgiveness since it's an act of the will. I only had to will to forgive in obedience to Jesus' teachings.

Next thing I knew, the Lord was prompting me to move toward reconciliation! At first I resisted the idea. I said "Thanks, Lord, but no thanks." Then one weekend, while attending a "Basic Youth Conflicts" Seminar with 3 of my children, the leader, Bill Gothard taught that marriage vows should never be broken as these vows are made to God as well as to each other. He advised that if a person has divorced but not re-married, they should seek to reconcile and honor their vows. Of course, as a former Catholic, that's exactly what I was taught, but I had gone far afield of everything I was taught and it would be several more years before before I picked up the threads of all the dropped stitches in my life and began to hunger for the Sacraments. That came later.

The children were excited about the possibility of the reconciliation. After much prayer, we decided that all four of us would go and propose marriage; and so we did. It wasn't a far-fetched idea since the divorce was not a hostile one. We always celebrated birthdays and Holidays as family in spite of our differences. I fully expected my ex to accept the proposal - but he was reticent. It wasn't a very romantic visit. We were asking him to make a serious decision. But six months later, after many family 'dates' and much discussion, he agreed to re-commit to the marriage.

He was not willing, however to go through a marriage ceremony, since in the eyes of God and the Church we were still married. But legally we weren't, so he relented. We took our vows in a private ceremony with only the Minister and our two witnesses present. My new life now took a fresh direction. It was an extreme change for the entire family.

The Aftermath

I had stopped going to church even before the Divorce, as it dawned on me that I really wasn’t a Catholic or even Christian. I believed in God, and that was about the extent of it.

As a divorcee, I enjoyed dating and going to the Single’s Affairs around town. But after a couple of years of this, I decided to try Church one Sunday since the Social Whirl was not very satisfying and there was a Spiritual hunger. (I didn’t know that’s what it was) In January of 1973, I attended services at the Melodyland Christian Center, where they gave an "Altar Call", but I didn't respond. Then I tried the Santa Ana Church of Religious Science, but found it ‘blah’. I gave up on the idea of finding a different type of Single life through a church group and went back to the Singles Scene.

I became a regular at the Singles dances, where there were others who showed up regularly and I liked the security of knowing the people. I had met a nice man there and we became good friends, altho’ I also dated others occasionally. Another outlet was PWP,
(Parents without Partners). They held family activities (like Roller Skating) and I could take my children with me. Life was much smoother for me as a Single parent. I became much less uptight, and a kinder, more congenial Mother.

The mysterious Spiritual hunger continued and as 'luck' would have it I was invited to a Singles Bible Study at a local MegaChurch. I was agreeable because I thought I might meet nicer men there. After a few sessions of study with this group, I met the nicest guy of all - Jesus Christ, himself. The introduction began on Good Friday of the 1973 Lenten season and at the Easter Sunrise Service, I opened my heart and accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord of my Life.

The Divorce

When we moved from Illinois to California in 1968, we reluctantly left our eldest (17 year old) daughter behind to live with a Catholic family while she finished her final year of High School. She visited us several times, but always chose to return to Illinois, & she graduated there with honors in 1969.

It was the beginning of the emptying of the nest. The next one to leave was our third child - in 1970 - not that it was his time or his turn. He was 16 and rebelled by running away from home. It served as a catalyst to the dissolution of the family because when he returned, my husband and I couldn't agree how to deal with him. Hubby was more like a benevolent Grandfather, and I was more like a shrew. Our son was incorrigible. I was afraid of him, especially after he threatened me. I had insisted that he not leave the house one day and told him if he disobeyed I would report him to the police as a runaway. He warned me not to call the police, and threatened bodily harm if I did. He walked out of the house (on his way to his pot-head drinking buddies)

I immediately went to the phone and reported him. Not only that, but I was able to tell them where to find him. I didn't have the address but I knew the street and the police were aware of the place - they had been keeping an eye on that house.

Within an hour, the police called to tell us that our son was in Juvenile Hall. My husband's response was to go and bail him out. My reaction was to get him into a Foster Home. My husband refused to do that, so my ultimatum was for him to make a choice between his son and his wife. He chose his son. They both moved out to an apartment and I filed for divorce after a trial separation period. As soon as our 2nd child turned 18, she joined her Dad and brother in their apartment. I was clearly perceived as the bad guy here.

I have written the bare cold facts. but you surely realize this was a traumatic and emotional time of heartache for the entire family. I have chosen to relate only the facts and not attempt to slant in my favor or tug at your heartstrings. Fortunately as the story unfolds, you will see God's Grace and mercy at work in our messed up lives.

The Marriage

I met this tall, dark and handsome man in 1946 at age 18, when I moved from my small Home Town to the City, where I secured employment. It was an Office Romance, and as 'luck' would have it, he just happened to be Catholic also. We married and had 6 children. We went to Mass every Sunday and observed the Laws of the church. We didn’t have a really good union as we both came from dysfunctional families, and knew very little of how to develop a good relationship. He had control issues and I didn't have good boundaries.

I also didn’t have any kind of relationship with God. I prayed out of habit at bedtime, the vocal memorized prayers I learned as a child. I went through all the rituals of being Catholic. I didn't have any reason not to. It was expected of me. I never doubted the doctrines I was taught; never questioned them. I was told that God was a Personal God. I knew a lot about Him, but I didn't know him. I was told that no one could really know God. I was taught that God is a Loving God, but also Just (meaning He punishes Sin). I knew I was a sinful person, therefore I figured God was always mad at me, just like my Dad always seemed mad at me. As a child I tried to Love God; tried to stir up feelings of affection (I thought Love was a feeling and This erratic thinking carried over into adulthood.)

Our children were all baptized as infants and raised Catholic. They learned how to be respectable people, industrious students and moral, upright citizens. They accepted the doctrines and rituals of the Faith and obediently attended Mass with us. At home, I put the fear of God in them; that's about all I knew. Needless to say, they had very little Spiritual nourishment in the whited sepulcher of their home as both parents were like the Pharisees. There was a lot of tension at our house, and tho' there were times of laughter, fun and sheer joy, there was much more stress, negativity, and unhappiness. My husband was critical and demanding. I was angry and punitive.

When we moved to California in 1968, we entered into even more troublesome years. The teen-agers rebelled, and our lives unravelled like a runaway ball of yarn. This toxic relationship endured for 23 years, and then....................

My Background

I was Baptised Catholic when 18 days old, attended 8 years of Parochial school, taught by the Dominican Nuns. I got A's in Religion class. I was obedient to all the Commandments of the church while still too young to comprehend many of the 10 commandments. It was all the same to me - just a lot of do's and don'ts. I was compliant, not rebellious - respectful to my parents, mostly out of fear. I tried to obey God, again totally out of fear.

Yet, looking back I wasn't really a Christian believer. I was Christian only by virtue of my Baptism. None of it seemed to 'take'. Though I counted myself as Christian, I could see that I wasn't any different than other children, except that I went to the Church that was the only True church (whatever that meant). I had a lot of Protestant friends (who I was told were 'wrong'). Yet I could see that some of them were much better people than I was.

And so it went, clear through my High School years. I really liked the boys, but I wasn't 'loose' with them (tho' I wanted to be!) Again it was Fear that caused me to live by good moral standards: Fear of losing my 'good' reputation, fear of pregnancy (an absolute shame in those days-my parents would have sent me to outer space somewhere), and lastly Fear of God. Any aspirations to Sainthood had long disappeared.

When I married at age 19, I went to the Altar a Virgin; not because I was pure of heart or mind, but because my Catholic husband-to-be was (and because any means of birth control was not available to me).

So I have just described the absolutely Carnal Christian - me.

St. Gregory of Nyssa said: "The Goal of a Virtuous Life is to become like God"

I have met people who seem just naturally good, but by and large, it isn't easy for human beings to love what is good and shun evil. From childhood, I've been aware of this tug of war inside me - the desire to experience all the pleasures the world has to offer versus my aspiration to attain Sainthood - even wanting Martyrdom.

Because I lived the first half of my life ruled by 'feelings' , my carnal nature tugged harder than my spiritual side. This blog will be about that War. It's highly personal and I probably will not make it public. If the day comes when it seems that someone might benefit from my struggles between good and evil, I will open it for public viewing.

In the beginning posts, I'll cover my background leading up to Conversion, before I define my method of striving for Virtue