A New Life

Those of you who have experienced the infilling of God's Holy Spirit understand full well the incredible Joy of experiencing the Love of God.

I was astounded at the 180 degree turn in my life. I was truly a new creation in Christ and the past was behind me. Suddenly I had a voracious appetite for reading the Bible and all things Spiritual. I found a Christian Radio station that aired music and programs that filled me with inspiration.

The Lord filled my life with all new friends since I had nothing in common with my former friends. I joined several Bible studies: one during work lunch break once a week: one on Tuesday evenings, and another on Saturday nights.

After six months in the school of Christ, He began to speak to me about Forgiving my ex-husband. I really had trouble with that until someone explained to me that I didn't have to 'feel' the forgiveness since it's an act of the will. I only had to will to forgive in obedience to Jesus' teachings.

Next thing I knew, the Lord was prompting me to move toward reconciliation! At first I resisted the idea. I said "Thanks, Lord, but no thanks." Then one weekend, while attending a "Basic Youth Conflicts" Seminar with 3 of my children, the leader, Bill Gothard taught that marriage vows should never be broken as these vows are made to God as well as to each other. He advised that if a person has divorced but not re-married, they should seek to reconcile and honor their vows. Of course, as a former Catholic, that's exactly what I was taught, but I had gone far afield of everything I was taught and it would be several more years before before I picked up the threads of all the dropped stitches in my life and began to hunger for the Sacraments. That came later.

The children were excited about the possibility of the reconciliation. After much prayer, we decided that all four of us would go and propose marriage; and so we did. It wasn't a far-fetched idea since the divorce was not a hostile one. We always celebrated birthdays and Holidays as family in spite of our differences. I fully expected my ex to accept the proposal - but he was reticent. It wasn't a very romantic visit. We were asking him to make a serious decision. But six months later, after many family 'dates' and much discussion, he agreed to re-commit to the marriage.

He was not willing, however to go through a marriage ceremony, since in the eyes of God and the Church we were still married. But legally we weren't, so he relented. We took our vows in a private ceremony with only the Minister and our two witnesses present. My new life now took a fresh direction. It was an extreme change for the entire family.

The Aftermath

I had stopped going to church even before the Divorce, as it dawned on me that I really wasn’t a Catholic or even Christian. I believed in God, and that was about the extent of it.

As a divorcee, I enjoyed dating and going to the Single’s Affairs around town. But after a couple of years of this, I decided to try Church one Sunday since the Social Whirl was not very satisfying and there was a Spiritual hunger. (I didn’t know that’s what it was) In January of 1973, I attended services at the Melodyland Christian Center, where they gave an "Altar Call", but I didn't respond. Then I tried the Santa Ana Church of Religious Science, but found it ‘blah’. I gave up on the idea of finding a different type of Single life through a church group and went back to the Singles Scene.

I became a regular at the Singles dances, where there were others who showed up regularly and I liked the security of knowing the people. I had met a nice man there and we became good friends, altho’ I also dated others occasionally. Another outlet was PWP,
(Parents without Partners). They held family activities (like Roller Skating) and I could take my children with me. Life was much smoother for me as a Single parent. I became much less uptight, and a kinder, more congenial Mother.

The mysterious Spiritual hunger continued and as 'luck' would have it I was invited to a Singles Bible Study at a local MegaChurch. I was agreeable because I thought I might meet nicer men there. After a few sessions of study with this group, I met the nicest guy of all - Jesus Christ, himself. The introduction began on Good Friday of the 1973 Lenten season and at the Easter Sunrise Service, I opened my heart and accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord of my Life.

The Divorce

When we moved from Illinois to California in 1968, we reluctantly left our eldest (17 year old) daughter behind to live with a Catholic family while she finished her final year of High School. She visited us several times, but always chose to return to Illinois, & she graduated there with honors in 1969.

It was the beginning of the emptying of the nest. The next one to leave was our third child - in 1970 - not that it was his time or his turn. He was 16 and rebelled by running away from home. It served as a catalyst to the dissolution of the family because when he returned, my husband and I couldn't agree how to deal with him. Hubby was more like a benevolent Grandfather, and I was more like a shrew. Our son was incorrigible. I was afraid of him, especially after he threatened me. I had insisted that he not leave the house one day and told him if he disobeyed I would report him to the police as a runaway. He warned me not to call the police, and threatened bodily harm if I did. He walked out of the house (on his way to his pot-head drinking buddies)

I immediately went to the phone and reported him. Not only that, but I was able to tell them where to find him. I didn't have the address but I knew the street and the police were aware of the place - they had been keeping an eye on that house.

Within an hour, the police called to tell us that our son was in Juvenile Hall. My husband's response was to go and bail him out. My reaction was to get him into a Foster Home. My husband refused to do that, so my ultimatum was for him to make a choice between his son and his wife. He chose his son. They both moved out to an apartment and I filed for divorce after a trial separation period. As soon as our 2nd child turned 18, she joined her Dad and brother in their apartment. I was clearly perceived as the bad guy here.

I have written the bare cold facts. but you surely realize this was a traumatic and emotional time of heartache for the entire family. I have chosen to relate only the facts and not attempt to slant in my favor or tug at your heartstrings. Fortunately as the story unfolds, you will see God's Grace and mercy at work in our messed up lives.

The Marriage

I met this tall, dark and handsome man in 1946 at age 18, when I moved from my small Home Town to the City, where I secured employment. It was an Office Romance, and as 'luck' would have it, he just happened to be Catholic also. We married and had 6 children. We went to Mass every Sunday and observed the Laws of the church. We didn’t have a really good union as we both came from dysfunctional families, and knew very little of how to develop a good relationship. He had control issues and I didn't have good boundaries.

I also didn’t have any kind of relationship with God. I prayed out of habit at bedtime, the vocal memorized prayers I learned as a child. I went through all the rituals of being Catholic. I didn't have any reason not to. It was expected of me. I never doubted the doctrines I was taught; never questioned them. I was told that God was a Personal God. I knew a lot about Him, but I didn't know him. I was told that no one could really know God. I was taught that God is a Loving God, but also Just (meaning He punishes Sin). I knew I was a sinful person, therefore I figured God was always mad at me, just like my Dad always seemed mad at me. As a child I tried to Love God; tried to stir up feelings of affection (I thought Love was a feeling and This erratic thinking carried over into adulthood.)

Our children were all baptized as infants and raised Catholic. They learned how to be respectable people, industrious students and moral, upright citizens. They accepted the doctrines and rituals of the Faith and obediently attended Mass with us. At home, I put the fear of God in them; that's about all I knew. Needless to say, they had very little Spiritual nourishment in the whited sepulcher of their home as both parents were like the Pharisees. There was a lot of tension at our house, and tho' there were times of laughter, fun and sheer joy, there was much more stress, negativity, and unhappiness. My husband was critical and demanding. I was angry and punitive.

When we moved to California in 1968, we entered into even more troublesome years. The teen-agers rebelled, and our lives unravelled like a runaway ball of yarn. This toxic relationship endured for 23 years, and then....................

My Background

I was Baptised Catholic when 18 days old, attended 8 years of Parochial school, taught by the Dominican Nuns. I got A's in Religion class. I was obedient to all the Commandments of the church while still too young to comprehend many of the 10 commandments. It was all the same to me - just a lot of do's and don'ts. I was compliant, not rebellious - respectful to my parents, mostly out of fear. I tried to obey God, again totally out of fear.

Yet, looking back I wasn't really a Christian believer. I was Christian only by virtue of my Baptism. None of it seemed to 'take'. Though I counted myself as Christian, I could see that I wasn't any different than other children, except that I went to the Church that was the only True church (whatever that meant). I had a lot of Protestant friends (who I was told were 'wrong'). Yet I could see that some of them were much better people than I was.

And so it went, clear through my High School years. I really liked the boys, but I wasn't 'loose' with them (tho' I wanted to be!) Again it was Fear that caused me to live by good moral standards: Fear of losing my 'good' reputation, fear of pregnancy (an absolute shame in those days-my parents would have sent me to outer space somewhere), and lastly Fear of God. Any aspirations to Sainthood had long disappeared.

When I married at age 19, I went to the Altar a Virgin; not because I was pure of heart or mind, but because my Catholic husband-to-be was (and because any means of birth control was not available to me).

So I have just described the absolutely Carnal Christian - me.

St. Gregory of Nyssa said: "The Goal of a Virtuous Life is to become like God"

I have met people who seem just naturally good, but by and large, it isn't easy for human beings to love what is good and shun evil. From childhood, I've been aware of this tug of war inside me - the desire to experience all the pleasures the world has to offer versus my aspiration to attain Sainthood - even wanting Martyrdom.

Because I lived the first half of my life ruled by 'feelings' , my carnal nature tugged harder than my spiritual side. This blog will be about that War. It's highly personal and I probably will not make it public. If the day comes when it seems that someone might benefit from my struggles between good and evil, I will open it for public viewing.

In the beginning posts, I'll cover my background leading up to Conversion, before I define my method of striving for Virtue